So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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