Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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