Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
