The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
