she pinky promised me she was 18
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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