i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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