cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
