i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
