I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
