apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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