He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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