How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
