So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
