I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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