and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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