yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
