Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
