just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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