I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize