I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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