3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
