All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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