we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
