i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
