I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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