I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
