im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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