Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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