Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
