Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
