I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
