your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
