you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
