2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
i've created a new STD.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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