So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
