I puked a lego.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
