blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
