I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
