True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
