Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
