You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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