i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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