why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
