I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
