wanna go halves on a baby?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
3 2 1 whiskey
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
