You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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