I need to stop coming to work sober
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
