You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
