You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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