I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
