Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
