he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
